ATM Usability

So, I am driving up to an ATM the other day, in my car, and I find that I am third in line to make my transaction. The car right ahead of me is a late model volvo wagon, which could mean "older person driving" but in this case it is a youngish woman. In front of that is a Cadillac. Now, there is an interesting spread of demographic stereotypes that one might find purchasing a Cadillac so I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but here is the thing. i was planning my morning and by looking at these cars I am attempting to guestimate the amount of time I will spend in line here. The late model volvo seems to have two customers: the ones that keep them up well and love their dependability, and then there is the person who loves talking about the dependability of Volvos in general but who's car is held together with rust and love and exits parking spots like an octopus jetisoning an oily plume of diessel smoke as if escaping some predator. Ah, but this is a stereotype and not all Volvos are dependable, and just because there isn't rust doesn't mean their isn't love. But that is another story. I digress.

The Volvo ahead of me was the former not the later. She took car of this Volvo and falls into the "efficient at the ATM" category, so the Volvo will definitely not be slowing me down. The Cadillac is, as you would guess, another story. The two major demographic groups here are: hooptified ghetto-licious owners, and Easy Riders. The hooptie group is actually a diverse group in itself including everything from "Classic car owner" to "pimp-my-cadi" lo-riders. The cadillac ahead of me didn't fall into that category. This was clearly an easy rider. By Easy Rider, I mean that the owners in this demographic buy the cadillac because it is such a boat that it can barrel down the road and smoothly pass over a pothole large enough for a Prius to fall into. Easy Riders want a ride so smooth that they can even manage to forget they are driving (they think they are at home lounging on their plastic covered couches) or so sound proof that they think they are the only car on the road (and driving accordingly.) Easy Riders also typically go by another name: Blue-hairs (a.k.a. elderly folks.) The Cadillac ahead of me was an easy ride'n Blue-hair.

Why is it that Blue-hairs take soo long at the ATM? You can see they are not simply confused (though some are)? They are typing and swiping multiple cards. I have taken less time at a keyboard writing computer programs! I am convinced that the Internet banking to the current generation is what ATMs are to the Blue-hair demographic. My bet is that if you poll Blue-hair people on the street, asking them how to record a TV show with a DVR, they wouldn't have a clue what a DVR was. BUT... if you asked them what takes them so long at the ATM, then would explain that they were "auto-banking" their five bank accounts, as well as having found some hidden menu in the ATM screens that let them chat with other Blue-hairs sitting at other ATMs across the planet!

So my morning is now running late as I watch arms come in and out of the cadillac swiping multiple ATM cards and typing furiously like a middle-school kid texting their BFF on some rediculously tiny cell phone! By the third card, I begin to throw my hands in the air and declare "Come on!" when I saw the Volvo do the exact same thing. In fact I heard it out my window, "COME ON!" Seriously, I think it is a Blue-hair prank. They know we are all in a rush, and they are not, so they text each other via ATM across the city and all converge on efficient lines everwhere in an effort to slow them down to an unreasonable pace. Whether you are just trying to get out $20, or if you are wanting a morning coffee, they are all in a conspiracy to toss wrenches into this grind of a high-speed system we are all slaves to. I love it AND I hate it. COME ON!

Finally the Cadillac leaves, and like clock work the Volvo is in and out faster than I can retrieve my banking card. I get up to the machine and position myself as close as possible to the keyboard. This never works. I can never get close enough. So with the window unrolled, I len out to start the transaction. The card is swiped! I am entering my code. I learn to hit "english" and oops!... I have selected chinese or something, which is the point of this blog entry!

Once you have selected the wrong language on an ATM, you are now screwed! Is there not a universal symbol or word for "Oops! Go Back!" Nope. There isn't I guess. So after scanning the screen for a while, finally I noticed the "cancel" button on the keyboard, which ended the transaction. At which point I had to get my card out again and swipe it... again! At which point I heard an exclamation from the car behind me...

"Come on!"

As an upside, after I heard someone yell "come on" just to piss them off some more, I found a menu on the ATM that let me write this blog entry. So, I am signing off for now, since my $20 bill just popped out. Now, how do I text on this thing?